.:sloth:.

commanderbun @ 2008-01-23T01:37:00

2008-01-23T06:43:52Z

beyondscum.livejournal.com

new LJ

add

its friends only mostly

Unfortunate but necessary

2008-01-08T06:04:04Z

So basically my mom is going to make an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist/psychologist/whatever. The past few days have been some of the worse in my life and I don't see it getting any better.

Regardless of what I really want I'm probably going to end up medicated. I hate it, but unfortunately I can't help but think about taking a baseball bat to a motherfucker who's using a girl or any scum who thinks it's cool to get drunk.

It sucks trying to be a positive role model when all you can think of doing is hurting.

I don't want to live anymore.

Inescapable Hell

2008-01-02T08:00:44Z

I'm welcoming 2008 into my life with the same feelings of unending desperation and helplessness that have been with me pretty much since the second week of September 2006. I've got such an intense frustration with my life and the world around me that, as I've said many times before, I'm thinking it might just be easier to jump in front of a car. I know it'll be easier, and if it wasn't for the unfortunate truth that people would be hurt by my choice, I'd have already laid down on some train tracks. But no, I'm not going to fall into the same crushing impotence that so many have. There's two kinds of impotence that I'm seeing at the moment. On one hand we've got the people who see the world for what it is and see the mold of life that each one of us have been somehow forced into (you think you're breaking it but honestly, you're just coming at it from a different angle) and realize that nothing they can do will sincerely change it and rather than living on with that burden of knowledge, decide to move on. On the other hand, there's the people that either haven't realized that things could be 100% better or have realized it but wussed out and gave up or turned to some substances that are better of nameless (like so many of my peers, including people I went to high school with at Schilling. Yeah, you know exactly who you are, motherfuckers). And then there's me and I'm sure people like me in the middle who acknowledge so many problems but are foolish enough to believe things can change.

I don't dig money, food, sports, drugs of any kind (I even hate having to take Advil but sometimes it gets to the point that my headache may drive me to throw a chair). Sex is not important to me. I could live without it and not miss it. I don't give a shit if you're going to get wasted or drunk or plastered or "just buzzed" or whatever you think will be fun. You're a fucking wimp. I don't care if you need it to be social or to get over your problems, if you drink alcohol YOU ARE MY ENEMY. There. I fucking said it. It never use to be this way, not even when I was at OU. I hated the substance, not the people who used it but honestly now, if you drink alcohol you can fuck off. I have a hard enough time knowing that people close to me use this shit. Does drinking alcohol make you a bad person? Yeah, in my world it fucking does. No excuse you can give me justifies downing it. Oh, you don't have to give me a reason? You don't have to care what I think? Then you wouldn't be discussing it with me. Each and every one of you know deep down that you're pathetic. Marijuana? Pathetic. Cocaine? Pathetic. You can fuck off with that shit.

I just tried starting a new paragraph and after a half dozen tries I ended up writing this one. It shouldn't be this hard for me to communicate things. I do not consider myself a man. I want to die before my body starts to decay (really decay, not the slow style I'm use to). I wish I could completely stop eating and sleeping. I want out of this city, out of this state, and out of this fucking country. I want off this world.

My race is a static one. My generation is a desolate one. Am I saying that I'm any better? I don't know. Part of me thinks I definitely am because I don't spend my free time drinking and talking about cars or video games or any other temporary physical shit people are so interested in. The other part of me says no. It doesn't have a reason, it just says no.

My eyes are blurring because I need to sleep. Needing anything is something that infuriates me. The fact that my body can be hurt infuriates me. I need to be pure energy.

I want to evolve. I want to progress. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I want to become something far beyond human. I'm not talking some plain X-Men style shit, although that would be preferable to this, kinda like what happened to Kid Omega only I wouldn't end up trapped in glass. I could talk forever about this. About how as a race, we need to move forward if we're going to actually become anything.

This took longer to devolve into unnecessary half-assed ranting than I thought it would. Maybe there's hope for me after all.

Home

2007-12-27T07:10:09Z

Home is one of those words that people seem to throw around a lot until it seems meaningless and as probably unnecessary as it is, I'm kind of bugged by that. As I see it, a home and a house(or apartment or condo or fridge box) are too very different things made of very different stuffs. A house is pure physical. It's a place where you keep your stuff and where you lay your whithered body down to rest after your 9-to-5. A home is much more than that. A home is a place where you feel truly comfortable, somewhere where you can crack your joints and feel open and light.

There have been many times where I found myself feeling more at home on a tattered couch 20 miles away from my house. Home is where you feel at ease with yourself and your surroundings but simultaneously feeling like you've got that power to overcome the damages outside. As it is right now, I do not feel like I have a home. I've got at least two houses that are open to me 24/7, but neither of them are ones that I would consider a home. Regardless of where I am, I've always got that uneasy itch in the back of my head, like I've got to constantly be on my toes and always wearing a costume.

Home is where the heart is. Guess I've misplaced my heart. Dag, yo.

Highschool

2007-12-18T06:42:56Z

Got a fucking problem with me? Here's your chance to say it because your impotent hypocritical ass is clearly too caught up in pursuing that distant dream of elitism to actually speak up. Claiming to be a friend and not opening your goddamn mouth. I don't care, anonymous or under your name or a new alias whatever, fucking announce it to me and I'll address it. I'm not fucking scared of being 100% brutally honest.

In other words, the more I'm careening downwards into a quick and painless life, the more I realize that I want out NOW. As soon as possible, I want to be far away from this city. Probably this state, and most likely this country.

I'm not really interested in appeasing anyone else anymore so it's my way or the highway, honestly. If you have a problem with it, either say something (and I mean converse, don't give me some high horse bullshit) or keep your limp lips shut. Talking behind my back like we're 14 again. I left that shit behind a long time ago and have no interest of returning.

commanderbun @ 2007-11-21T01:29:00

2007-11-21T06:34:32Z

just more time wasted and im at the point where OU is coming back in my college search?

fuckin bite a blade HARD

commanderbun @ 2007-10-15T23:26:00

2007-10-16T03:27:59Z

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears of streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess

im gunn go 2 stlouis 4 nutsfest witch iz suppose 2 b rly kewl witch iz teh uhposite uv Athens Ohio witch sux

and ashley is cool and 1 day i am gunna sez the l word at her

suck. on. my. sizzurp.

commanderbun @ 2007-10-15T01:28:00

2007-10-15T05:42:18Z

Someone start a fight club with me.

Im one of less than 5 teens I know that aren't self-destructive. Someone fix this. Punch me in my fucking face.

I care too much about people I shouldnt. I want to claw skin off and pummel my own skull.

I want to take a baseball bat to any motherfucker who ever got a girl drunk and took advantage of her. I dont care, I WANT YOU DEAD. I want to feel it split and fall in on itself like an egg held too tightly.

I want to be Pinhead. Youre looking for quick pleasure and you use others...motherfucker, I will pull you apart with rusty meat hooks.

In the end, your sex isnt shit and your drugs arent shit. Theyre only temporary and they are nothing. Come into my arms. Our arms. The few that truly care.

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"

Sloth-cum ecstasy baby

2007-10-10T04:47:34Z

Dear Diary,

I am a sloth that less than threes ecstasy.
She likes it even when I mess up making smashed taters.

Thank you, that is all.

Sincerely,
Sloth-Flavored

So tired as hell.

hm

2007-10-01T20:23:30Z

Dear money,

Get in my pocket. Get. Get. Get in my pocket.

Sincerely,
poor mudda fucha

commanderbun @ 2007-09-28T01:41:00

2007-09-28T05:45:37Z

Ive got a fantastic girlfriend and you dont.

Her name is Ashley and she could outawesome your girlfriend.

And you suck.

ugh

2007-09-25T18:41:45Z

So now I'm straight up causing heartache and tears for at least two people. One person I've come to really care about and one person that I don't care about but really...I don't want to be the cause of pain for anyone, regardless of how douche-esque they are.

I might be scoring a job with a security firm or whatever you want to call it. $10 an hour to walk around and say "sir, you can't park there"? Yeah. Ill do it.

Now I REALLY know what Kylie meant when she said "I can't get you outta my head"

Damn dawg straight up fuckin up my brain with this bipolar triflin guilt and undeniable desire

desire? wtf get a thesaurus

hope for the future???

2007-09-14T07:45:21Z

This is the main point of the post, the rest is just icing babee:
Should I care if a girl I'm "interested in" partakes in the alcohols and the drugs?
Part of me thinks it should be important for them to have the same "values" as I do
The other part is all "don't be judgmental"

I love quotation marks

I dont want sexual intimacy. I really dont. Ill have desire but I want it to have no power over me.

I need a job really quick because I dont want to starve to death

I want to know where to go to school. What to major in.

I want to get to know YOU better. Doubt you know who you are. Doubt I dont creep you out or wont.

God exists.

2007-08-17T23:41:49Z

And I luv him now

Also, this was the only good thing about The Transformers movie

oh no

2007-08-12T22:35:45Z

I think if I get any fatter I'll have an art attak.

JK

Im a fucking pillow. Girls love to hug me

commanderbun @ 2007-08-04T01:09:00

2007-08-04T05:15:14Z

Need to move out. Need a job. Need to find worth.

Playing with Captain Ahab September 5th

Its been over a year, she's been through 4 or so guys. Claims this hillbilly piece of greasehead shit loves her. Cant get over it. Not very posi. Makes me listens to Roy Orbison.

Im too posi for noise. Im just not into sex. Sorry gies.

Update

2007-07-30T23:04:01Z

Okay so this is what I do.

I watch Hellraiser.
I work on beats while watching Hellraiser.
And then I get down in the dumps because the only girl I've ever truly loved is playing with the dick of some white trash nut flicker who is almost 20 but just graduated high school. Yes. I do think I'm better than him.
And then I watch Hellraiser some more.
Then I go "no way, these beats are weak".
And then I watch Hellraiser.

I like Hellraiser. I feel emotionally and spiritually with the Chatterer Cenobite.

"REPENT THE END IS EXTREMELY FUCKING NIGH"

commanderbun @ 2007-07-13T23:48:00

2007-07-14T03:51:44Z

Wednesday July 18th
at the Southgate House parlour
24 E. 3rd St. Newport KY.
www.southgatehouse.com

REALICIDE - cincinnati contemporary hardcore, end of u.s. tour, Swill will
be in town, only local performance scheduled for months
www.myspace.com/realicide

GAYBOMB - saxist/singer of charleston sc's Puke Attack! solo work, bizarre
free jazz meets noise www.myspace.com/39107488

MINCEMEAT OR TENSPEED - awesome rythmic electronics from philadelphia,
almost like distorted techno music done just through a string of effects
pedals www.myspace.com/mincemeatortenspeed

CARS WILL BURN - philadelphia harsh noise with explosions of light and bent
electronics www.myspace.com/carswillburn

DAVID SMOLEN - philadelphia harsh noise, curator of the tour's "Technicolor
Hell" hand-screened book/cd compilation which is awesome
www.myspace.com/davesmolen

8pm $5 ages 18+

--- the touring acts are seriously remarkable; they could really use your
support and appreciation! please try and tell a friend or two who might be
into hardcore, noise, experimental, or just something unexpected and wild.
Realicide isn't gonna be around town much the coming months, so it'd be rad
to see a lot of faces while we are home for a minute. come hang out; here's
my cell if anyone needs to get at me 513-652-6484.

- Robert

REALICIDE YOUTH RECORDS www.realicide.tk & new LP out on RRRecords

hmm

2007-07-06T17:28:49Z

Started seeing things again a few days ago. They're more fuller shapes than the previous ones in the winter or whenever but they don't show up as often.

I'm suppose to be meeting with a psychiatrist to discuss the possibility of me being bipolar because I've been going from almost suicidal depression to throwing shit around to wanting to rave all within an hour. I don't like it.

Trying to not be a disappointment to everyone in my life, too. Doesn't seem to be working out too well.

Fucked Up Big

2007-06-29T04:30:59Z

There are titans clashing in my head
Ive made mistakes
and I want to break myself
and smear myself all over the pavement
Not even just die
cease to be
this isnt worth it
this isnt worth it
this isnt worth it

I went from vibrant
to this pile of filth shit
I have a hard time breathing
because my heart is beating
SO. FAST.
It's just like how it was a year ago
but for a completely different reason
And this one isn't accompanied by gentle hands

But its lover is my own chapped fists
Pounding into my flesh over and over
until it tears
I dont deserve to have a face
You may look upon it if it's in one piece
If I scatter myself with any means
I can sleep forever knowing you can't see what I am
What I've become
I love you.

commanderbun @ 2007-06-06T22:56:00

2007-06-07T02:57:59Z

I'm home. Finally.

Virginia Tech lyrics

2007-06-01T03:42:25Z

This is all I have at the moment. Just wanted to have the illusion of productivity or something. The first one was actually meant to be personal but I think I was in kind of the same situation at the moment so I feel it is relevant.

---------

Doubtful of resolve-
this can not end well.
Stuck days.
Endless cycles.
Itching, twitching skin.
A negative body image to the point where
I. Want. To. Vomit...
everything from the inside comes out.

Addicted to pornography.
Contradicting myself,
a hypocrite,
curled up in a corner ingesting pills that I allow to be (i imagine) forcefully shoved upon me.
Chemical imbalances

Hate spreader.
Shit bearer.
Toxic inks and stolen sticky papers.

Intolerable
hate spreader.
Untrustworthy
shit bearer.
Undependable dead man in endless cycles.
Flesh never breaks,
it only goes so far.

Scabs replace dry skin
Scabs replace dry skin
Eyelids cut
Alternate realities keeping one awake at night
Moving forward/never thought I would hate progression
Just like
"no please im sorry"
Trying to cut the hair off faster than it spreads
Trying to not cut the genitalia off before is consumes
Trying not to consume
Trying not to spread

Use to say greetings
They twisted down down down down
into drain pipes like fleeting memories
Memory itching the back of the brain I can feel it through my skin
Too much skin

-------------------

Life will always suck
Life will never be fair
And I will always be waiting for it to end
Riddled with fucking bullets

I want to be a martyr
To finally mean something
I will go down in history and all will know my name
Riddled with fucking bullets

I want to feel a young girl's arms
Wrapped around my battered body
To shield me from these demons in human forms
Riddled with fucking bullets

Ridiculed when I reach out
Laughed at when I attempt to speak
I'm stomped down every chance they get
Riddled with fucking bullets

Selfish children, greedy so greedy
Never enough physical-material
Handed it all and always wanting so much more
Riddled with fucking bullets

-------------------

Who can say they've never been here?
Stripped and exposed and vulnerable.
Opening yourself to those you hate,
attempting to find understanding.
Pouring out your heart.

Ridicule
No one understands you do they?
Trying to find your place in a world of shit filth
Carving out cries
"This is where I am
where I don't want to be.
This is where I am
someone please come help me."

Nothing worse than reaching out
and getting a slap in the face.
Being spit on, laughed at
when all you want is someone to listen
Ridicule vicious laughter
No one understands you do they?

------------------

.fuck.

2007-05-28T22:04:36Z

Life will never be fair and I will never be the person I want to be.
Pretty much since I turned 18, everything has gone down hill and I have gained nothing positive from becoming an adult other than now I feel like a pedophile pretty much all the time.

I don't want to give a fuck about a lot of things but it doesn't work out.

I don't want to **** anymore.

dude

2007-05-21T03:42:08Z

Coming home to rawk for a weekend on Thursday

then I'm home on June 6th and no more fucking OU

i tihnk on june 10th im going on VK with my family

commanderbun @ 2007-04-28T22:45:00

2007-04-29T03:09:31Z

Doubtful of resolve-
this can not end well.
Stuck days.
Endless cycles.
Itching, twitching skin.
A negative body image to the point where
I. Want. To. Vomit...
everything from the inside comes out.

Addicted to pornography.
Contradicting myself,
a hypocrite,
curled up in a corner ingesting pills that I allow to be (i imagine) forcefully shoved upon me.
Chemical imbalances

Hate spreader.
Shit bearer.
Toxic inks and stolen sticky papers.

Intolerable
hate spreader.
Untrustworthy
shit bearer.
Undependable dead man in endless cycles.
Flesh never breaks,
it only goes so far.

Scabs replace dry skin
Scabs replace dry skin
Eyelids cut
Alternate realities keeping one awake at night
Moving forward/never thought I would hate progression
Just like
"no please im sorry"
Trying to cut the hair off faster than it spreads
Trying to not cut the genitalia off before is consumes
Trying not to consume
Trying not to spread

Use to say greetings
They twisted down down down down
into drain pipes like fleeting memories
Memory itching the back of the brain I can feel it through my skin
Too much skin

----------------

The elitist prick punches himself in the back of the head until the skull crumbles, pierces the brain, and he goes blind. Deprived of one of his senses, he now realizes how much he relied on appearances, just like he would ridicule others for.

----------------

Don't listen to me anymore.
I just want to hear myself talk.
I like the sound of my own fingers.
I get off on my own complaints.
Don't agree with me-
I hate what I'm saying.
At all times I am pretending.
Someone fucking look at me.
Pay attention to this entity,
better than others in theory only.

Revising life I see where I went wrong.
Eighteen years, eight months, twenty seven days.

---------------

Mouth sewn shut
Hands cut off
Dick stapled down
Tongue tore out

At least then I would have an excuse.
At least then I would have an excuse.
At least then I would have an excuse.
At least then I would have an excuse.
At least then I would have an excuse.

Hypothetically speaking there's anything there in the first place
Always hypothetically, in theory, what I would imagine
Yeah but nothing that full of zest ever stays still for too long

-----------------

Rather sleep
rather dream
Waking up is a chore

Like knowing you'd die for someone
Finding out it's not mutual
And it repeats every day
over and over

Try to stay awake
body starts decaying
Fall apart

I give in way too much.